Remember a few posts back when I said going to Africa has nothing to do with holiness? (here) Well, I'd say thus far my supposition has proved even more true than I'd hoped. So far, this whole ordeal has only made me realize how unholy I am. How easily discouraged I am. How distracted, doubtful, and self-dependent I am.
One or two people make a negative comment and I'm questioning whether we're doing the right thing. Money isn't pouring through the rafters and I question whether God will really provide. Beautiful rhetoric isn't flowing perfectly from my mouth in communication about our trip, and I doubt whether I'm cut out for ministry.
I've reminded myself a lot of Moses. When God chose him to go tell Pharaoh to let His people go, he disagreed. "Who am I to lead these people?" I've reminded myself a lot of the Israelites leaving Egypt, who assumed God would leave them to die only days after He parted the Red Sea for them to escape. I've even reminded myself of Peter, who was so afraid of others that he denied even knowing Christ three times.
Basically, I've realized how weak my own faith is. I've realized how easily I crumble and how quickly I doubt. I've realized- the hard way- that confidence in me will always lead to disillusionment. I can't stand on my own promises to love God, no matter how sincere they are in the moment.
And the strangest and most beautiful part is that I think God wants me to realize that. He wants my confidence in me- my faith, my talents, my resume, even my theology- to be shattered so that my confidence in Him can increase. He wants me to realize that throughout history, He's been in relationship with people who falter, who forget, who fail. That's what our relationship with Him has always been. We've always been faithless and He's always been faithful.
This has been a painful fall and a glorious victory.
I will glory in my Redeemer
His faithfulness, my standing place!
Though foes are mighty and rush upon me,
My feet are firm held by His grace.