Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Now or Never

Ironically, less than a week after I posted about contentment and life being here and now, my thesis was tested. (People like me are the reason that "practice what you preach!" is such a common expression.) Just yesterday we began seriously praying about whether I should expand my degree from a 50 credit Masters to a 73 credit Masters. This would involve a few changes in our schedule (which I can handle), some extra juggling of commitments (which I can handle), and more organized free time (which I can handle.) But it may also mean one more year in Dallas- which I'm not sure I can handle!

Here's what's silly about this. The thing that upsets me about staying in Dallas one more year than originally planned is nothing more than me being in a hurry to get to "the next thing." (Which, I should remind myself, is still totally undefined!) So I'm in a hurry to move on to something, even though we've been given no confirmation of what that something is or when it is. I claim to be OK with God's plan and God's time-line, yet when He challenges my "loosely held" idea of when we might be leaving Dallas, I balk.

This morning I was reminded of my poetic declaration to live fully where God has me now and not to buy the lie that "life will begin when..." How kind of God to use my own "lessons" to teach me lessons- and to reveal how much more learning He has in store for me. Mainly what the past 48 hours have shown me is that my foundation for contentment is still far from unshakable. My heart is still grasping for some nameless void- some phantom job, location, family status, or account balance- some future thing just beyond my reach in order for me to say "OK, now I'm content."

Here's for another day of realizing the truth: that contentment and fulfillment are now or never. Either I will be content now in Christ alone, or I will continue to look for fulfillment in something else and be disappointed.