Yesterday, I decided I wanted to know what was happening after seminary, and I wanted to know now. I even decided to "figure out" what we should be doing after seminary by listing off my current strengths and weaknesses. Furthermore, I decided to be pouty towards my husband since he wasn't willing to hash out the "rest of our lives" conversation with me, and I decided God was in on it too and it wasn't fair for Him to leave me in the dark about things. Doesn't He care? Doesn't He know I want to do whatever He calls us to? All I wanted was someone to throw me a bone here!
Needless to say, I went to church yesterday feeling a little bit neglected. Feeling a little hurt, actually. Then I felt annoyed when I discovered my own pastor wasn't even preaching at our service...it was Paul Tripp, my seminary professor! Now, in previous posts I've written about how much I admire Tripp- everything from his message to his mustache- but I just wasn't in the mood, well, for anything. So I decided to huff and puff about my oh-so-holy efforts to go to church on a busy week only to find something other than I anticipated.
It would take too much space to write all the things I learned in church that night. But here are a few things I want to share. I was reminded of Jesus' commitment to me, even when it means disagreeing with me or doing things I don't like. I was reminded that sometimes His silence, His refusal to bow down to my every demand (i.e., "tell me what we're doing in the future!!!") and His willingness to let me squirm with discomfort are actually evidences of His love and grace toward me.
I was reminded that I really am like a little sheep, proclaiming with confidence God's trustworthiness in one moment, and running away in fear the next. I was reminded that even if I could have spit out Tripp's major bullet points before he said them, I needed to hear them. I was reminded that the steadfast, stable, faithful One in this relationship between us is not me, it's God.
I was reminded most of all that Christ's love for me is so jaw-dropping because of all these things. He knows in my moments of confidence that I'll be crashing again in a few days (or even a few hours!) He knows that He'll have to keep teaching me the same thing day after day, week after week, year after year. He knows that even when He has shown nothing but faithfulness, I'll still run away from Him in anger when He does something I don't like. He knows that my trust in Him hangs on a thread, weakened and corrupted by sin. Yet He bears with me. He chooses to do life with me. He invites me into His arms to comfort me immediately after revealing this sin that I've carried against Him.
He is a good shepherd to this forgetful little sheep. He is a good husband to this untrusting wife. He is a good Father to this fearful child. He is good, and my very discomfort is grace to help me see it.