Sunday, January 15, 2012

Forgetting Lunch

So I've written a lot lately about God allowing me to be uncomfortable in order to grow me. This might seem intuitive and obvious- of course growth requires discomfort!- but I'm surprised by it every time. I'm surprised every time my day doesn't go according to plan; I'm surprised every time the world doesn't bow down to me. Maybe even more so, I'm surprised by how quickly I turn into my own evil-stepsister when these things happen. "Hannah King, seminary student, get upset over a few minutes of traffic? No, not me! I'm mature! I'm holy!" 

Last Wednesday, I went to work and Michael stayed home. This slight bend in our schedule caused me to go a bit scatterbrained and I forgot to pack my lunch. I had of course, planned our meals perfectly for the week and had a delicious helping of peanut-chicken stew at home with my name on it. But I also pride myself on being time and gas efficient, so investing in the twenty minute drive home to get my lunch was not an option. Since we share a car, I couldn't even sweet-talk my husband into being the one to drive it over to me (if he wastes gas to bring me food, that's OK). 

So by about 10:30 am, I had become aware of the very serious dilemma before me and was growing increasingly...uncomfortable. (Did I mention I'm also really indecisive?) I called Michael to get some input. He said, "I'm sorry. Do whatever you want, sweetie." He gave me permission to spend money and waste time! He released me from my self-imposed martyrdom of frugality and opened wide the doors of lunch-time options in the Dallas area. But no, that's not what I wanted. I wanted someone to feel my misery! I didn't want grace, I wanted to live up to my own expectations. I wanted not to be in this situation at all. I wanted to have remembered my lunch so that I could enjoy my perfect time and money management skills. I masked it in a holy (there it is again) commitment to "stewardship" and "God-honoring responsibility", but it was really about control. Controlling every dollar in my wallet and building a time-and-money pedestal for me to climb on and announce to the world: "Hannah King, seminary student and good steward!" 

But God loves me, and He wants to free me from my homemade pedestal-turned-prison of control and pride. And how easily it comes crashing down anyway! One forgotten lunch and my Kingdom crumbles. I am thankful for this God who allows me to be uncomfortable- who reminds me of His promise to work all things together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)- and how even a forgotten lunch is a part of that. It is good for me to lose the illusion of control. It's good for me to be released from pride. It is for my good that God makes me uncomfortable. 


twiggy@thedirtlife said...

so...what did you do for lunch?

don't worry, i get the point of the lesson. i still wanna know.

Hannah said...

:) A friend came to visit and she brought me some lunch! And the funny thing is by that point I realized my need to relinquish control and so I told the friend to bring me whatever looked good (BIG step for me...usually I get a PhD in the menu before making a decision about what to order!) So silly...