Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Clinging in the Noise

For the last few years, I've read a blog by a girl who moved to Uganda and adopted 14 girls. Obviously, the logistics of her life are a little bit different than mine. But we have the same Good Shepherd, and so a lot of the things she shares are things that I can learn from as well. Last week I read this excerpt from her blog:

I choke because my every day life begins to feel small compared to the expectations. And He breathes truth that a life is not made by lives saved or bellies fed or words written. To adore the one who created the Heavens and the Earth, to give thanks for who He is and all He has given, to worship and commune with Holy God, whispering in the quiet, clinging in the noise, believing in all circumstances – this is what makes a life large.

Clinging in the noise. Lately, I've begun to feel overwhelmed by the "noise;" tattered and tired and torn, like a small child lost in a big city. Lately, the end of my rope has reminded me of my endless need for a God who has no end. My fear and exhaustion have reminded me that I have a good and loving Father who has provided a safe and quiet home for me, and that it's strange that I would choose to live like an orphan instead. Lately, I've even felt confident enough in His love to believe He wants me back; to reach out to Him with my last burst of energy. But lately, I've felt that I've forgotten how. I want to cling, but my grasp is weak.

As I wrote today, I was reminded of a similar forgetfulness, a similar desperation-- a season of grief so breath-taking that I felt unable to do the very thing I knew I needed-- cling. This poem dates back to February 2008:

i've been here before
heart spilled on the floor
knees brown
from hitting the ground
three feet inside the door

You were there too...
i remember You
You got down
with me on the ground
and You held me like You knew

...You swept my heart up too.

Obviously, the logistics of my life in 2008 were different than they are now. But reading this prayer reminded me of God's rescue; His clinging to me when I had lost the strength to cling to Him. It reminded me that His grasp is firm even when mine is not. And because of that, my orphan heart is being healed.

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