Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Future

This is our last year in seminary, which means "the future" is about eight months away. And we have no idea what it will look like. In a lot of ways, I'm excited about the possibilities-- where will we move next? What will we be doing? Who will we meet, what new place will we fall in love with, what is God preparing us for right now? 

But in other ways, it's kind of terrifying. Will we like the new place? Will we be good at whatever's next? Will we even get a job? If we don't, does that mean we're not "good enough," or worse, that we spent four years in grad school preparing for the wrong vocation? And this next fear might seem strange to some of you-- but it will make perfect sense to others-- as a woman especially, I sometimes fear that I'll be "left behind" in the world of Christian ministry; that whatever church or agency won't be as interested in what I think or what I can contribute as they will be in my husband. 

While wrestling with these thoughts and questions, I remembered a prayer I wrote my freshman year of college. Just having moved a thousand miles away from home and taking on a task-- music conservatory-- that was totally new to me, "the future" was upon me and I felt overwhelmed.

i just want You to tell me who i am
so i can be assured
...and i can be secure
that You love me not because
of what i do
or what i try to prove
but because you think that i'm
perfect for You
and You're proud of the way i am
..that all this is just a part of Your plan

(I guess I thought it was cute not to capitalize anything!) But truly, remembering this little poem was God's way of comforting me today. I can look back and realize: God loved me through college, not because I performed totally perfectly or had everything figured out, but just because I'm His child. And I can see now that the questions, the struggles, the doubts-- the awkward steps as I found my way into "the future"-- were part of God's plan for that season of my life. And it encourages me to repent of any notion that I have something to prove-- even when it comes to Christian ministry. 

"The future" is approaching. But the unchanging reality of God's love for me makes me secure, and it calms the questions and fears in my heart. "The future" is unknown-- but my identity in Him is not.    

1 comment:

Michael King said...

I'm looking forward to the future :)